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The courtroom was not a place for levity and certainly this was not a joking matter, but he had to keep biting his lower lip to prevent a broad grin from sneaking out. Standing before the judge the most practical and advisable behavior was to remain silent, with a good poker face, and make the best of a bad situation. Take the lecture, pay the fine and pray that Starfleet wouldn't find out.
The prosecutor continued to drone on, "...and on the aforementioned date, did damage to the contents in and the premises of Kelsey's Kit Kat Kave, including, but not limited to..."
As the prosecutor kept going on and on, Pavel Andreievitch Chekov, new captain of the U.S.S. Invincible, was just trying to remember exactly what had happened.
It all started simply enough, with a night on the town with his old friend, Kevin Riley. The Invincible had been on assignment for three months and it was time for shore leave. Fortunately, Starfleet had been kind enough to send the ship to Alpha Centauri to pick up a cargo shipment and allowed time for shore leave. When Kevin Riley found out, he rolled out the red carpet for Pavel and the two spent a day celebrating and talking about the 'good old days.'
Last night, the endless partying started early and the two old friends visited a number of local clubs and night spots. For some reason, Kevin just had to see the featured singer in Kelsey's Kit Kat Kave. Pavel suspected that it had a lot to do with the fact that her name was Kathleen O'Connell and it didn't hurt that the holo poster showed a beautiful red-haired, green-eyed lady in a very skimpy outfit or that she was billed as 'Ireland's Favorite Daughter.'
Chekov wasn't really sure, but he thought Kevin was singing 'I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen' as they entered the place. When they finally got in, it was packed to near capacity. The only table left was in the very back, behind a column. To make matters worse, the place was a real dump! According to the comedian on stage -- at least he called himself a comedian -- it was just ten minutes until 'Kathleen the Cutie' would make her appearance.
That announcement brought on a wave of yells, cat-calls and howls that lasted for a good five minutes; it helped pass the time. It took the remaining five minutes to find a waiter and even then the show was an additional fifteen minutes late getting started. The place was getting nosier by the minute and Chekov tried his best to get Riley out, but Kevin wouldn't hear of it -- or maybe he just couldn't hear!
Finally, a small fanfare got the crowd quiet and out popped Kathleen O'Connell - at least she was popping out in a few places. The musical introduction lasted about two minutes, but no one, not even a Vulcan could hear it. The singer's costume was very popular with everyone and it turned out to be the only good thing about the evening.
First of all, she came in late on the song. Since the music was recorded and not a live band, it fell on her musical sense to correct the error; unfortunately her musical sense and timing couldn't fill a thimble. Maybe everyone else was too drunk to realize the poor girl couldn't sing, but it was painfully obvious to Pavel and Kevin. Suddenly, the perfect Irish girl became the worst Irish banshee. Kevin wanted everyone to know, so he started telling them. At first he just yelled a bit now and then like - what did McCoy call that animal - a coyote?
The initial crowd reaction to Kevin's noises consisted chiefly of dirty looks and Chekov wanted to leave immediately. Then Kevin got the bright idea to ask for his money back and started a chant.
Unbelievably, the chant started to catch on and within a few minutes the entire place was yelling, "We want our money back! We want our money back!" After a while, even the bartender and waiters were chanting along with the crowd! A large Rigellian was the first to stand up and he started getting mean. Then he broke the chant and began hurling insults. Fortunately, they were in his native tongue and couldn't be understood. Next time, Chekov thought, he would wear his universal translator, but the Rigellian's intent was understood nevertheless.
At this point, a whole table of Tellarites became real nasty and suggested that they throw the poor girl off the stage. That got a real rise out of the crowd and a new chant started almost immediately, "Throw her out! Throw her out!"
Suddenly, Kevin jumped up and yelled, "I'll save you fair lady!"
The Russian captain was dumbstruck and in the moment it took for him to recover, Kevin managed to wade through the crowd on his way to the stage! This is when Riley's problems began. He ran smack into the eight foot tall Rigellian who was still cursing in a string of -- were they four-letter words? Oblivious to the size difference, Kevin grabbed the giant by his brightly colored tunic and tried to shove him to one side.
As if to brush off an annoying insect, the Rigellian back handed Kevin and sent him sprawling across three tables. The last table he demolished was the one occupied by the group of Tellarites. As Kevin picked himself up, Pavel saw his friend mouth the words 'pig face' and then all hell broke loose!
All three Tellarites hit Kevin at the same time from three different directions. The Irishman went down with both arms swinging until he was out of sight. That was unfair, at least to the Tellarites. So Chekov jumped up and began pushing through the crowd to attempt a rescue -- of whom, at this point, wasn't clear in Pavel's mind.
On his way, he failed to notice a waiter with a tray full of drinks. Chekov plowed right into him. Not looking up to see just who he had run into and thinking it was the Rigellian or something worse -- if that was possible -- Pavel began to fight off an attack that wasn't happening. The result was a hail of drinks, glasses, swizzle sticks, fruit rinds and more, which showered a dozen tables in a three hundred and sixty degree circle.
Several patrons vented their rage at the poor waiter, even before he had hit the floor. Most, though, decided that Pavel should be the center of attention and at that point the rest of the evening became a blur. All Chekov could really remember was a desperate attempt to stay alive. On the rare occasion of a temporary respite, he tried to make out how Kevin was doing. Generally speaking, Kevin was doing better than Chekov, but the difference was slight.
The air was filled with furniture, fists and foul language for forty minutes. Pavel never did reach Kevin and it wasn't until the local police arrived that the situation changed. However, the action didn't really stop, it just shifted focus. Now all the bar patrons were united against the 'common foe' -- the police!
The whole -- what was the word that Scotty called used -- stramash, lasted over an hour before the entire group was stunned, transported and locked up in a large holding cell.
The cell was one of the most horrible he had ever seen. Not that occupying such establishments was a habit with Pavel, but as a security officer for several years, he had seen his share of local holding tanks and prisons. It was here amongst the forty or fifty other night club guests that he finally found Kevin.
When the two came face-to-face, Riley started to laugh. "Pavel, you look positively awful!"
"You're not in such good shape either," countered the Russian.
Riley got a real smug look on his bruised and cut face, "Have you seen yourself in a mirror yet?"
Chekov wasn't sure where this conversation was going, but he didn't like the Irishman's attitude. "No, Kevin, I haven't. Vhy?"
"Well, I've seen myself and you're definitely worse!" With that said, Riley began to laugh again, even harder than before.
The captain of the Invincible suspected a put on and it must have shown outwardly.
"If you don't believe me, there's a mirror over in that corner." Kevin pointed to the far side of the large room. He continued to laugh at his friend all during the trip to the mirror and back again. When Chekov returned, Kevin was attempting to suppress the extended round of laughter which was beginning to attract attention.
The Russian put a stern look on his face to encourage his friend's effort towards calmness. "Kevin, I vas trying to rescue you vhen I go into this mess. In fact, going to that particular bar vas your idea! Now how am I going to explain this?" He pointed to the blossoming colors around his eye.
"Looks like you needed the rescue old friend, not me. Don't worry, Pavel, it was all worth it." While grinning from ear to ear, he revealed a scrap of paper with writing scrawled across both sides.
"Vhat is it, Kevin?"
"My ticket to paradise!"
Captain Pavel Chekov was more than just a little confused. "Ticket to vhat?"
"Ticket to paradise. The hotel name and room number of the prettiest girl in the world!"
It suddenly became very clear. "Don't tell me -- Kathleen O'Conner."
"Kathleen O'Connell. Let's get the future Mrs. Riley's name correct, please!"
At this point the local police ushered the twosome up to the courtroom. From the moment of their arrival, there had been a constant parade of night club patrons all evening long -- or was it morning?
Chekov searched again for his chrono. He was sure he had it earlier, but then he remembered where he had spent the night and figured it would show up in a local pawn shop within a few days.
It took about fifteen minutes to get into court and another half an hour for their particular case to come up. Pavel didn't care much for the prosecutor or the defense attorney, but the judge was just plain awful!
As the judge began to summarize the need for law and order -- he must have been running for re-election -- Pavel tried to remember the last time his head hurt this bad, but decided against it.
"...and so, it is the decision of this court that you each pay the maximum fine of five hundred credits or serve sixty days."
Since they had both pled guilty, there was little to do except to pay up. Looking at his friend with a deep scowl, Chekov whispered through clinched teeth, "I'll get you for this, Kevin." Then aloud he added, "I'll pay the fine, your Honor."
Riley agreed to do the same. In another thirty minutes, and after Kevin had taken care of both fines, the two were on the street again. Pavel shielded his eyes. It was a glorious morning, but the captain just wanted to get back to his ship, clean up and forget the whole mess. The only good part of the incident was that he had been out of uniform and maybe Starfleet might not find out. If they did, his next promotion might be just a little delayed. Worse yet, he might lose command of the Invincible.
Chekov said his goodbyes to Riley and promised to see him once again before leaving orbit. He watched Riley bounce down the street, acting as if he'd had a full night's sleep. How did he do it? Pavel reached inside his stained and dirt-covered coat, to the concealed pocket for his communicator.
"Damn, they got that, too!"
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© 2024 Brad McDonald / U.S.S. Kitty Hawk
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